Its been a couple of days now since Mothers day, and I think I can finally say or rather write as to why this mothers day was particularly hard for me. Maybe explain exactly why I balled my eyes out the whole time during sacrament meeting, as I listened to not one but FOUR talks about motherhood. I am sure people all around me thought I was a basket case (including my husband). I can't give myself all the credit for my emotional breakdown, hormones should get a shout out or something for their part in the production.
Don't get me wrong, I am not writing this because I have a horrible mother, in fact I have a wonderful mother, who is loving and kind and so self sacrificing. you wouldn't even believe how much my mom puts everyone else's needs first over her own. She put up with so much of our crap and still loved us for us, which to this day still baffles me. I also have had countless other "substitute" mothers in my life as well, like my two older sisters Hilary and Liesel and mother inlaw for example. So you see I am very grateful for the many mothers in my life, its not their fault.
And I guess the reason I am writing this is because I need to vent. As much as Kory wants to be their for me, this is one subject I have talked him to death, and maybe, maybe once this is all written I will feel better?
You see, for those of you who don't already know this, I am ready to be a mom. I have been a "substitute mommy" for many many years now, I think I was 12 when I started to take on the responsibility of helping raise my oldest nephew. And then the list just goes on. I have been helping raise other peoples children for nearly 14 years now. And it has been so fun, I am grateful for the strong relationships I have with those children because of it. And maybe one day they will all remember how much I loved them too.
I want to start my own family. This mothers day was hard for me because it was a day focused entirely on something I feel like is so far from me. And in a way I didn't want to celebrate it at all. I loved being with my mom and mother inlaw, but other then that I wanted to ignore it completely. Last year for mothers day it was different, I was totally o.k with the fact that I wasn't a mom yet. In fact I was happy I wasn't. But this year it was so much harder, and I can't really explain why except for the fact that I felt like mothers were flaunting their adorable little children in front of me all day. Even the screaming ones being escorted out church seemed to say to me "na na Nah na na". And I watched as moms walked around church heads high, shoulders back smiles from ear to ear. And they should, they have the right. I just didn't. And it seemed like people kept giving me acknowledgment out of sympathy. "Your not a mom now but you will be....one day?" I didn't want to stand up and have a flower given to me, I didn't want to get any sort of special treatment, because I am not a mother, and I wont be for a very long time. And all the "recognition" and acknowledgment to future mothers, or substitute mothers was really really unnecessary. We know we aren't mothers, we know we don't have kids, please don't pretend that we do. We aren't the ones the kids draw pictures for. We aren't the ones they come to when they want to be snuggled at night. Or when they are scared or afraid.
I know I am being a baby about the whole thing. I really don't know anyone who has felt this way or has been this emotional about it. But most of the people reading this either, have or had kids, are pregnant, or don't want kids. So for them I seem completely erratic. And I know this is all totally unfair to Kory because he is the one who has to deal with me. And its not his fault that 100 years ago someone decided to dedicate an entire day to mothers.
So as you can tell I am going through a hard time right now. And I want to apologize in advance to any you if over the next year or so, if I become less then enthusiastic about what your children are up to, your pregnancy, or whatever. I really am happy for you and I will continue to do my best at being supportive of everyone. (Kory says I am good at that, so I would hate to loose that trait) But if I do come across that way to anyone, please ignore me and don't take it personal. Hopefully, none of you will guard yourself around me either.
Do I feel better? A little.