Monday, February 21, 2011

Downward spiral

This post is going to be of a more serious matter. And really I just need someone to talk to, so if you read this, I am talking to you...

I have been pretty down lately.

I think it all started when my car started to make a funny noise when you pushed in the clutch, so we took it in, turns out it will cost us $800 dollars to replace. I took the news pretty hard, we just don't have that kind of money right now. And I was ultra worried we would put tons of money into it and then have it die like Kory's car did last summer. But we had them check out the engine as well (it also has an oil leak) but it turns out that is pretty cheap to fix and something we could do ourselves. So we opted to get it fixed because I need a car. I know that sounds selfish, and not very true, but I do.

Here is proof:
So that day Kory and I shared a car, and well it was TERRIBLE. I spent most of the day in the car shuttling him to and from work, and then taking my sisters kids to school. We did get a small break to play at the park and eat some lunch, but by the time Axel and I got home I was absolutely beat, and that was when the contractions started, and the back pain. So I stayed down that day, and picked up Kory that night, and cried the whole way home because I was stressed and worried I was going into labor.

That night I couldn't sleep at all I was in pain, so in the morning I called my Dr. and they put me on bed rest for that day to see if that would help the pain to stop, and since I had an appointment the next morning they decided to just wait it out to see. Luckily, the rest worked, and the pain subsided by that evening, and I didn't have a contraction every time I stood up.
My Dr. however told me because of my history, we can not take any risks, we are not in a safe place right now and that I need to take it easy the rest of my pregnancy. What does that even mean really? Everyone I talk to tells me something different, and my Dr. was VERY vague about that. So I have taken it down a notch, and for whatever reason that seems to be affecting my mood.

I am feeling pretty lonely, maybe even getting a little bit of cabin fever, especially at night after Axel goes to bed, before this all happened, I would just work on a craft or two until bed time, but now I feel like I don't have the energy to do that by the end of the day, and I don't want to chance it, so I just have to wait until I get to go to bed. It's really boring, and I am really bored.

I am not saying this because I expect people to come visit me, or anything, I just haven't had the best week, I am trying to stay positive but it seems like every time I feel like things are going good for me with this pregnancy, I am slammed with something like this. It is overwhelming to me to think about all that I can't do but need to do before this baby arrives. I feel hopeless because now I can't do any of it, and I feel like if I do, and something were to happen I would feel awful. Even taking care of Axel seems like something that I shouldn't be doing sometimes. I feel like I am putting her at risk every time I have to pick him up which I really really try hard not to do, but sometimes I have to. I have to get him out of his crib after nap time. I have to help him up and down stairs and scary things. I need to change his diapers and read him books, and help him on our couch. I just hate that I have this guilt inside. I can't stop taking care of him because it might harm her. Do I neglect the one, to take care of the other? They are both my kids and they both need me for survival. I am just torn now.

Anyway this is where I am right now. I just needed to vent and clear my head, I am sure things will start to balance out once I have my car back.


KaSs MiLeS said...

Oh Amy, I'm so sorry. I hope the rest of your pregnancy whizzes by for you. That's scary when you dont know if she's okay or not. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Sorry I'm not functioning enough to help you out right now.

Kelli and/or Kyle said...

You guys and pregnancies and cars. Goodness! I'm so sorry. I'm super bored and can do anything you need, just let me know. Also, we have lots of shows and movies and books. Let me know if you want some entertainment. All I ever do is watch tv :)

Kyle said...

Crummy. I had a dose of the down-ies last week. It is not fun in the least. You guys are super rad, and I think we should have a movie night together.

I'll have my people (Kelli) call your people (you).

Jess~ca said...

If you ever need someone to vent out your worries to, you can call me! I know that you will find the balance you need. And hopefully before you know it, it will be TIME for her to come and then you can start caring for her on the OUTSIDE.

I hope your car is fixed to cars breaking down :(

Baileys said...

I am so sorry. I have been having the blues the last few months too. Cars being only one of my problems. We have been sharing our little honda accord for the last 6 mos or so and have to squish 3 car seats in the back. And we have to drive across town morning and afternoon to take P to school. (Of course that's my choice, but still.) I feel for ya. If you need someone to vent to talk to me.

Diana and Jon said...

Oh dang....I'm sorry girl. I understand a bit of how you are feeling. I went through the same thing towards the end of my pregnancy. I just waited for Jon to come home while I was on bed rest and then waited to go to sleep. I had so many things on my to do list I wanted to get done before Opal came and it was stressful to not be able to do any of them! Call me anytime you want to talk and are too bored. Get and accept any help you can! Just think of how fun it will be to have your beautiful girl. This will all be worth it. I'm sorry you're feeling down though. You are in our prayers.

Kat Clark said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling all of these overwhelming feelings. I'm sure the last thing you want is advice and that you just needed to vent so I'll just tell you that it's going to be okay. That might sound generic and lame but really, it is. It's just soooo hard to see it right now. I hope things turn around soon. Sending lots of love and positive energy your way.

rain said...

I didn't know you'd been down, lately. I just read your other post, too, and I'm happy that things are looking up. I'm so sorry about your problems give me ulcers..and pregnancy on top of that would just be terrible.