This post is going to be of a more serious matter. And really I just need someone to talk to, so if you read this, I am talking to you...
I have been pretty down lately.
I think it all started when my car started to make a funny noise when you pushed in the clutch, so we took it in, turns out it will cost us $800 dollars to replace. I took the news pretty hard, we just don't have that kind of money right now. And I was ultra worried we would put tons of money into it and then have it die like Kory's car did last summer. But we had them check out the engine as well (it also has an oil leak) but it turns out that is pretty cheap to fix and something we could do ourselves. So we opted to get it fixed because I need a car. I know that sounds selfish, and not very true, but I do.
Here is proof:
So that day Kory and I shared a car, and well it was TERRIBLE. I spent most of the day in the car shuttling him to and from work, and then taking my sisters kids to school. We did get a small break to play at the park and eat some lunch, but by the time Axel and I got home I was absolutely beat, and that was when the contractions started, and the back pain. So I stayed down that day, and picked up Kory that night, and cried the whole way home because I was stressed and worried I was going into labor.
That night I couldn't sleep at all I was in pain, so in the morning I called my Dr. and they put me on bed rest for that day to see if that would help the pain to stop, and since I had an appointment the next morning they decided to just wait it out to see. Luckily, the rest worked, and the pain subsided by that evening, and I didn't have a contraction every time I stood up.
My Dr. however told me because of my history, we can not take any risks, we are not in a safe place right now and that I need to take it easy the rest of my pregnancy. What does that even mean really? Everyone I talk to tells me something different, and my Dr. was VERY vague about that. So I have taken it down a notch, and for whatever reason that seems to be affecting my mood.
I am feeling pretty lonely, maybe even getting a little bit of cabin fever, especially at night after Axel goes to bed, before this all happened, I would just work on a craft or two until bed time, but now I feel like I don't have the energy to do that by the end of the day, and I don't want to chance it, so I just have to wait until I get to go to bed. It's really boring, and I am really bored.
I am not saying this because I expect people to come visit me, or anything, I just haven't had the best week, I am trying to stay positive but it seems like every time I feel like things are going good for me with this pregnancy, I am slammed with something like this. It is overwhelming to me to think about all that I can't do but need to do before this baby arrives. I feel hopeless because now I can't do any of it, and I feel like if I do, and something were to happen I would feel awful. Even taking care of Axel seems like something that I shouldn't be doing sometimes. I feel like I am putting her at risk every time I have to pick him up which I really really try hard not to do, but sometimes I have to. I have to get him out of his crib after nap time. I have to help him up and down stairs and scary things. I need to change his diapers and read him books, and help him on our couch. I just hate that I have this guilt inside. I can't stop taking care of him because it might harm her. Do I neglect the one, to take care of the other? They are both my kids and they both need me for survival. I am just torn now.
Anyway this is where I am right now. I just needed to vent and clear my head, I am sure things will start to balance out once I have my car back.