Sunday, December 14, 2008

It all came and went so quickly

I have contemplated this blog entry for many weeks now. And I have gone back and forth about it, thinking to myself that this experience is not something you share on your blog. But I have changed my mind and feel this is something I need to share. By writing this, I am not asking for sympathy by any means. Because that is not why I have decided to share this. A part of me is sharing this because the news of this experience just didn't spread like we had hoped it would, and because of that I have had to tell a lot of people in person which for those who know me know it always ends up in tears or rather starts in tears, and I just can't do it anymore. It is just too hard. So please be respectful of what I have written, and know that this is a part of the healing process for me.

On November 24, 2008 at 6 and a half weeks our tiny baby went to heaven, or maybe it went to heaven days before that, or maybe it never came from heaven? Maybe it was just science at this point. I will probably never know in this life.

Did you know how much you were loved little one? Did you know how much you were wanted, dear sweet baby? We will never know, and maybe one day when I go to heaven, I will get to say, thank you, baby for making your journey so short because it taught me so much in my lifetime. What that is, I probably wont know until that day comes. Until then, I will wait

Having a miscarriage is something I assume all women/couples fear both pregnant or not. But especially once you begin the journey of having that special spirit growing miraculously inside of you. Each day you pray for it to thrive and get strong, you take your multivitamin religiously, watch what you eat, and you plan for the future: What do you think he will look like if he's a boy? Do you think it will have your eyes? My nose? What do you think about this name, I want to paint his room this way? Can you believe it is this big already? All these questions and thoughts go through your head and despite the fact that your body is sick and tired, your mind is enlightened and your life finally gains purpose.

Then it is all taken from you in flash, and you find yourself still tired and hurting but alone. Sure you have your friends and family telling you that the sun will come up tomorrow, but really will it? This will only make you that much better of a mom when you DO have a baby, they say, but will it really? They all mean well, and want you to feel loved, but what you really want is for your baby to stay where it is at. You want it to grow strong, healthy and happy, and in nine months you want to hold that precious wrinkly pink ball of joy and look into its eyes and say I love you, dear sweet baby. Thank you for picking me as your mother.

And now I am back to the beginning. A part of me wants to start trying again right away, but the other part of me, wants to close that door forever and give up and say I can’t do it again, I can’t hurt like this ever again. But if one thing life has taught me over my mere 26 years is that through our trials we grow stronger, and when we feel like we can’t go on, that tomorrow will not bring us any joy, we have to remember that this too shall pass. That life is not going to always be how we "planned" or expected, that sometimes we will have to face hard things, things that others do not. But if we stay close to our Savior, he will make us whole again. It is like the last verse of the hymn "I believe in Christ"
"I believe in Christ, he stands supreme! From him I'll gain my fondest dream;
and while I strive through grief and pain, his voice is heard, "Ye shall obtain"
I believe in Christ, so come what may, with him I'll stand in that great day
When on this earth he comes again, to rule among the sons of men.

I have felt my saviors love for me through all this. I know that he has, and will continue to be by my side through this, and that when the time is right for us, he will say to me "Ye shall obtain".

For now Kory and I are doing OK, I say that because we are, we have a roof over our head, food on our table and many people who love us. We have many things to be thankful for, and know that in time we will find peace again. We are looking forward to the new year, and all the new beginnings it will bring our family. We appreciate every ones prayers and thoughts and kind words of advice that have been offered to us at this time, we wouldn't have been able to get through this with out them.


Rachel Mae said...

You guys, I can't tell you how much my heart breaks for you. I know I can't imagine what you're going through because it hasn't happened to me, but I can say that I know how real that life is inside of you from the second you're aware of it. I know you're grieving is going to take time. I'm so sorry.

You may have come across this before, but I thought this was a beautiful post that is applicable:

My heart and thoughts are with you.

KaSs MiLeS said...

That was really beautiful.

The De Souzas said...

I'm glad you posted this, Amy, because it expresses in a starkly REAL way what every woman who experiences a miscarriage feels. It's so frustrating and painful and confusing and SAD. And sometimes well-meaning people say something they hope will help that only sticks something sharp in an already-raw wound.

My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage too, and it was the hardest thing I ever experienced. It doesn't matter how young or old you are, or how bright the future might be, it still hurts. The only things that really helped me were prayer, time, and my husband.

Good luck through it all. And again, thanks for sharing these thoughts.

Shanna said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. My heart aches for you. I hope that with time the pain will ease and you will find peace again. We love you!

rain said...

I agree with Kass. Your description of how it feels...I just can't even imagine. What I do know, though, is that you and Kory are both loved. So is your little one, whom I believe with all my heart is yours, no matter how long they were part of your home.

Jess, Dust, and Wyatt said...

Oh Honey. We love you dearly and have you tucked into every prayer! I'm so sorry. Much love and hugs!

Summer said...

Amy, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. You'll be in my prayers. I know how difficult it must be to share your pain with us all. Hang in there.

Shauna said...

I don't think a lot of people really understand what a big deal a miscarriage is. I had two and I tried to blow them off because that's what everyone around me was doing. But I couldn't and it was hard physically and emotionally. Even if you don't want sympathy, I am sorry for you. I wish the best for you.

Emily said...

I wish I had something I could say. We are so sorry. I can't even imagine.
Thanks for sharing your experience, your thoughts were beautiful. We hope you have a wonderful Christmas surrounded by family and friends!

Chelsey said...

I'm so sorry sweetie...I know exactly how you feel. And the first pregnancy is always so exciting; you want to tell everyone and feel so hopeful and optimistic. It's good to hear that you have such a great attitude about the experience. Good luck getting through everything!

Annie said...

Kory and Amy,
I love love love you guys to pieces. I am so sorry you are going through a tough time. What you wrote was absolutely are a very faithful girl Amy. I admire your strength and faith and my prayers are with you and Kory. Hang in there, the Lord has a plan for your sweet baby. Much love, Annie Shirley

Jon and Diana said...

I love you Amy. I just looked at your blog for the first time and found out. You guys are in my prayers